every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
