he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
