I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
