It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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