I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
