hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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