woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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