Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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