god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I love having hate sex.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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