apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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