he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
