im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
