I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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