I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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