my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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