I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
