Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
