don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
