6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
