I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
