I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
