I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
