So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
is wine microwaveable?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
