Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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