Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I am available for nakedness
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
