I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
