In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
