I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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