i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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