On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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