End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
