Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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