Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
