pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
