Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
