I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
