Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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