so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
