apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
