Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Houston, we have a blender
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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