guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
This house was built for laser tag.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
