I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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