apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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