Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
