someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
