I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
