I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
