It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
