apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
