Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Two words: nipple clamps
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